


my first and last

by debutstage



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon Compliant, Exes, Idols, KIN DA, Kinda, M/M, ex-lovers, lol rip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2019-10-31 21:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17857055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debutstage/pseuds/debutstage
Summary: “He sat there silently, staring through me as if I was the worst person in the world.”Mark and Donghyuck were in love. Once. They met as trainees and as their love grew with them, it fell apart. Cut to years later when they meet again and everything’s changed. Mark has a girlfriend and Donghyuck’s fame is beyond belief.Mark and Donghyuck were in love once. But did they ever truly fall out it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i've been working on this for while and i didn't wanna post it until it was finished, but i'm in the need of some inspiration, so please tell me what you think!
> 
> this is really just an introduction to them and their backstory, the other chapters wont be so all over the place

For whatever reason, Mark invited him to his house. He’ll never understand why. He’s sitting on the couch, politely sipping on the tea Mark made him while watching the rain hit the apartment window. Meanwhile, Mark’s standing in the kitchen like a goddamn idiot. His hands are on the island as he uses them to prop himself up and he’s watching him, silently.  _ What am I doing? Why did I bring him here? Why did the universe throw us together again? _

But they’re there. Might as well do something about it.

“What kind of tea is this?” he asked, with a weird look on his face. “It tastes. Interesting?”

“Um,” Mark started, going to look at the box again. “It’s like, lavender earl grey.” He looked at Mark blankly.

“You know I hate floral teas.” Oh. He had forgotten.

“Oh. I forgot, sorry. You don’t have to drink it.” Mark went to go take it from him but he shook his head, taking another sip. Just as stubborn as always. God, this is awkward.

Mark went over to sit across from him, silent still. The rain was soothing. Donghyuck sat back on the couch, running a hand through his hair, still looking outside, teacup warming the coffee table.

“So,” Mark tried again. “What’s it like being famous?” Donghyuck chuckled, resting his head in his hand.

“Weird. Never really thought I’d actually get there.” Mark wished he would look at him. Regardless, he shifted in his seat and tried to keep the conversation alive.

“I seriously can’t go anywhere without hearing your voice over the speakers.” Donghyuck laughed again. He missed that sound, even though he sounded much more masculine now.

“I hope that’s a good thing.” Donghyuck finally looked at him and Mark felt too flustered to look back. He examined his shoes.

“Yeah,” he said, simply. “You know, I’ve been to your shows before.” A scoff.

“Really?” Mark nodded, finally meeting eyes with Donghyuck.

“Yeah.” He smiles that goofy, gorgeous smile and reaches one arm over the table to pinch his hyung’s cheek.

“Awww, Mark Lee misses his first looove!” Mark Lee swatted his hand away.

  
  
  
  


This was an impulse purchase if he had ever seen one. He stood in the back of the venue and watched his ex-lover sing his heart out into a microphone on a stand dressed in flowers. Everyone around him (mostly young women) was screaming the lyrics, and Mark stood there, hands in his coat pockets, and watched. Listened. He cracked a smile when he performed a song that they did together back in their trainee days. Except, of course, there was a different rapper. A girl, even. It was the weirdest feeling.

His impulsive purchase included a meet and greet. He stood outside of the room and watched again, watched the girls chatter excitedly, fix their hair and makeup hurriedly. If he peeked inside, he could see Donghyuck with a head full of auburn-colored hair, smiling and signing autographs. Mark left before the line moved very far.

  
  
  
  


“Shut up, I just did it because I was bored and you were in the area.” The rain made itself louder. It didn’t seem very safe to drive in this weather. Donghyuck smiled and sat back.

“You’re so cute, Mark Lee.” He pretended like his face didn’t heat up and ignored him, leaning over for the teacup to drink from it. “Oh no, wait.” Donghyuck took the cup from his hands and turned it around. “There. Drink from where my lips touched.”

Now it was impossible to hide his red cheeks. Damn you, Donghyuck. “You’re so fucking cheesy.” He looked at the cup and hesitated, before taking a sip from the aforementioned spot. Donghyuck looked more than satisfied.

“Are you seeing anyone, then?” Mark coughed into the cup before setting it back down.

“Why do you ask?” He shrugged.

“Just addressing the elephant in the room.” That’s true. Mark would be lying if he said he wasn’t thinking the same thing. But he wish he didn’t have to answer this.

“Um. Yeah, I. I am.” The smile fell from Donghyuck’s face. A bolt of lightning could barely be heard from miles away.

“Oh. I see. Who is it?”

“Uh, well… Do you remember Yerim?” Donghyuck’s eyes widened and he leaned forward, full of disbelief.

“You’re dating—?!”

“No! No no no, I’m not– I’m not dating her. Her sister, I’m. Dating.” Donghyuck sighed in relief, falling back against the couch again.

“God, I was gonna say. She’s way too good for you.” Mark clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. Donghyuck just laughed inwardly. “Idiot, I’m just kidding.” He got ignored as Mark stirred the tea more. Donghyuck sighed. “I’m not seeing anyone. Part of my contract."

“Don’t most idols just, date anyway?” he asked softly.

“Yeah, well. I don’t want to date anyone right now.” It felt like he wanted to say more. He didn’t.

“I see.”

Mark kept fiddling with the cup and Donghyuck kept watching him. It was getting darker outside and the rain wasn’t getting any lighter. This silence was as uncomfortable as ever.

“Are you happy with her?”

  
  
  
  


Mark landed with a thud and he could instantly feel a bruise starting to form, but he was too preoccupied with laughter to care.

“Try me, Canada, I’ll end you.” The other trainees were watching and laughing along with them. Mark pushed himself back up with a swipe to the back Donghyuck’s knees. When his back hit the ground, Mark took the opportunity to straddle his waist and pin his arms to the ground. The other boys cheered.

“Not this time, kid.” Donghyuck frowned in defeat before putting on his best “dead” face. Mark smiled proudly and crawled off of him, giggling like the high school student he was. The others had left the practice room, leaving the two boys alone together.

Despite the internalized (sometimes externalized) homophobia in this country, everyone who knew them could tell they were into each other. The thing was, though, no one knew if they themselves were aware of their own feelings for each other. They’ve been friends ever since they start training when their ages were barely in the double digits. 

“Dummy, get up,” Mark said, nudging him with his foot.

“Can’t. I’m dead. Need mouth to mouth.” Donghyuck puckered his lips and moved his head towards Mark, just to have him shoved away further, adding another bruise from their tussle.

“Get up, idiot, I’m tired and I wanna go back to the dorms.” Donghyuck wasn’t giving up.

“I can’t– breathe–!” He began gasping for air melodramatically. Mark rolled his eyes and put the sole of his shoe on Donghyuck’s mouth, causing him to gag. “Ack– Fuck you, dude!” Mark laughed again in another triumph. They raced back to the dorm after that.

“Oh! Hey hyungs! Ahaha! Hi!” Jisung and Chenle were standing suspiciously in front of the bedroom that multiple trainees share, including Mark and Donghyuck. The younger hyung squinted at them.

“What did you do."

“Nothing! Haha, why do you ask!” Chenle was speaking formally and practically sweating. Jisung couldn’t even pretend to be okay, panickedly looking back and forth between them. Donghyuck approached them and they jump in place, still guarding the door.

“Move before I force my way through.” That made the two scurry off. Mark followed in suit.

They discovered a disaster-piece of paint on Donghyuck’s bed, along with an empty bottle of soda that was most likely full before it reached the sheets. There was also paper and paint brushes scattered about. Donghyuck turned slowly and looked for an explanation. Jisung started talking a mile a minute.

“I’m sorry! We were trying to paint a picture but then one thing spilled and then the other thing spilled and-and then Chenle hyung tried to clean it with water but he was panicking and grabbed the soda instead and it just go–”

_ “Why _ were in you  _ my _ bed?!” He screamed at them in pure anger. Mark was standing behind him, fearful himself.

“W-W-We didn’t know it was  _ your _ bed we just- we didn’t want to use one of our beds! And the table was being used so–”

“You guys are–”

“Hey, hey, let’s calm down…” Mark interrupted, pulling Donghyuck back from the two kiddos as they were obviously terrified. Chenle’s eyes lit up at the sight of Mark.

“You can sleep in Mark hyung’s bed tonight!”

“I’m sorry, what?” Donghyuck’s aura changed almost instantly. He turned back to smile at Mark, who was now the fearful one.

“We’ll clean up everything we can by then!”

The kids scampered off and left their hyungs there. No matter how much Mark argued, that was that and there was no changing minds. Mark begrudgingly let his best friend in his bed that night. It took a moment before they could get comfortable and stop bickering, much to the dismay of every other trainee in the room. It only took a few people yelling at them to shut up before they quit. Yet Mark couldn’t sleep.

“I can’t sleep,” Donghyuck whispered, hoping no one else could hear them. Mark turned around to face him and frowned.

“Me neither,” he whispered back. The two looked at each other for a moment. “Don’t stare at me.”

“You’re the one staring!” he whispered-yelled. Mark rolled his eyes before closing them and positioning himself in his bed without turning around again, hoping to sleep for real this time.

No more than three seconds after shutting his eyes, he felt pressure against his lips. Something soft and little bit wet. Upon opening his eyes, he saw Donghyuck’s face way closer than he ever had before. Mark’s eyes widened as he realized that he was being kissed. Donghyuck pulled back a few inches after a few seconds and looked to see Mark’s reaction. But Mark didn’t know how to react. His mind was racing with a thousand and one things to say,  _ what was that? get off me! what are you doing? _ , but none of them felt like the right thing to say, nothing that fit whatever his reaction was. Donghyuck must’ve taken that as a green light and went in to kiss him again, this time with a little bit more force and his hand on Mark’s cheek, pulling them closer together. Mark was panicking, his heart screaming and running in circles trying to figure out what to do. But he shut his eyes and tried to roll with it. Donghyuck was very gentle, moving his lips carefully and softly, breathing quietly. He kept giving new kisses instead lingering on one, which made Mark all the more confused. He tried his best to mimic what he was doing. He’d never been kissed before and he didn’t really know what to do. He summoned every romance movie he’d ever seen and tried to become an actor. He slid his arm around Donghyuck’s waist (like in the movies) and Donghyuck couldn’t seem to stop kissing him. But Mark realized that it felt, so,  _ nice. _ Regardless of who this was and whether or not he was a guy, this just felt… good. It was comforting. It was kind and polite, not aggressive or intense at all. Smooth. Warm.

To this day, Mark can’t remember when they stopped kissing to fall asleep.

  
  
  
  


“Yeah,” Mark replied, maybe after too long a silence. His answer may not have been entirely truthful. “Yeah, she’s… She’s really sweet. And she takes care of me.”

“How long have you been together?”

“Maybe five months? Not that long.” It might’ve been less. To be honest, Mark wasn’t keeping track, even though he knew Yoorim had an app that reminded her. She would send him screenshots of the counter but he never really paid attention.

“That’s good,” Donghyuck said, but it didn’t sound genuine. “I’m… I’m glad you’re happy. Really. I worry about you more than you think.”

Mark thought about him a lot, too. And it always made him feel like shit. Yoorim had known about their relationship ever since they were actually dating; her trainee sister was always spilling the deets on the two of them, he’d learned. Mark worried she suspected he still had feelings for Donghyuck. He didn’t know how he would respond if she asked.

“Thanks. I worry about you too. But you seem to be doing well?” Donghyuck tilted his head from side to side.

“Well. Don’t trust everything you see about idols online.”

With that, Donghyuck stood up, picked up his jacket, and headed to the door.

“Text me if you still have my number. If not, I still have yours.” Mark stood up and tried to stop him from leaving so abruptly.

“Wait–”

But like always, Donghyuck did what he wanted.  
  
  
  


 

_ Did you get home okay? _

_ 8:36 p.m. _

 

_ yeah, thanks for checking _

_ 8:37 p.m. _

 

_ i’m exhausted though. we can talk tomorrow? _

_ 8:37 p.m. _

 

_ Sure. Goodnight _

_ 8:38 p.m. _

  
  
  
  


What he did remember was how flustered he felt the next morning. He woke up alone with a red face as the memories of the night prior sank in. Did he really make out with his best friend for who knows how long?

No matter what, he had to wake up. He couldn’t stay in bed all day, no matter how much he wanted to. But he was gonna try anyway. Someone would yell at him soon enough.

“Ah- hey, you’re awake.”

There went his peaceful rest.

Donghyuck made himself visible in the doorway, shutting it behind him and sitting at end of Mark’s bed. The older sat up and wiped the sleepiness from his face.

“Hi, yeah. What time is it?”

“It’s almost nine.”

“Jesus, I was asleep for that long? Why did no one wake me?”

“Well, I…” Donghyuck trailed off, scratching the back of his neck and looking away. “I told everyone you had a rough night and needed the sleep.” The both of them became washed over by embarrassment from the memory of last night. Now they’re here, and they’re conscious, and they have to talk about it. “Listen, about that… I’m really sorry for–”

“Um,” Mark interrupted, in fear he would be too specific. “It’s okay.” Donghyuck was thrown off guard by that.

“Ah. Okay,” he replied awkwardly. Mark then knew he made things much more uncomfortable than they needed to be. They sat there with their faces heating exponentially before Mark muttered under his breath:

“I’m gonna get dressed.”

“Yup, okay,” was all Donghyuck said as he hurried out of the room. Great. Everything is awful.

  
  
  
  


“Mark! Donghyuck! What’s wrong with you two today?” The assistant teacher put their phone down to turn off the music as the room filled with the head choreographer’s loud voice. All the trainee’s jumped at the noise, backing up cautiously as the aforementioned two knew they had to step forward to be hit over the head. The usual procedure.

The two glanced at each other knowingly. They both felt weird dancing together as if nothing had happened. The atmosphere with them had been extremely off balance since yesterday. They wished it wasn’t so noticeable, though.

“Sorry, sunbae,” they chorused.

“Is something going on with you? Huh? Did you have a lover’s quarrel or something?  _ Huh? _ ” he added, with another smack to Donghyuck’s head.  _ Why him? _ , Mark thought.  _ Why not me? _ They both flinched at the word “lover.” Someone seemed to notice that.

“H-Hey.” Renjun chimed in courageously to save his friends. “Why don’t we just, leave them here to let them figure themselves out? We can use the extra practice room, right sunbae?” The choreographer glared at them both, before exhaling.

“Fine. You have ten minutes, max. Then you two better get your asses into shape.” The kids in trouble bow ninety degrees.

“Yes, sunbae.” Another chorus.

After that, the trainees filtered out but not before Mark mouthed the words “thank you” to Renjun, who simply smiled back on his way out. Donghyuck didn’t move much.

“Mark, I… I’m so sorry. I fucked up.”

“Wait, what? What do you mean you–” Mark stopped speaking as soon as he saw Donghyuck, heading hanging down, tears falling from his face to the floor of the dance studio. He was quick to wipe them away, but the panic in Mark’s heart came back and it wasn’t going away any time soon. “Oh my God, no no no, Donghyuck…”

“I’m sorry, I don’t, I don’t know why I did that, I don’t know what overcame me, but I’m sorry.” He sniffled, Mark looking him over in a flurry and not knowing what to do. He felt helpless. “I mean. I can’t pretend I didn’t mean it but I, I was so stupid, I should’ve thought about what I was doing.” Something stood out there. Mark blinked a few times.

“You… You meant it?” This time, Donghyuck seemed to know what he said. He nodded despite his tears.

“I, I don’t know. I never thought guys could feel this way about other guys but. But. I think I like you like how I’m supposed to like girls, y’know?” He still kept his eyes down, almost like he was afraid to look at Mark. Afraid to be shut down.

Mark didn’t know what to say. In the timespan of a heartbeat, he had to reflect and think. He almost  _ wanted _ to say he didn’t feel the same. It would be easier that way. He wouldn’t need to hide in fear of losing his job, or worse his life. He could be safe. But could he be happy?

Mark pulled Donghyuck into a hug and combed his hair with his fingers to soothe him. He didn’t know what else to do, but this felt right. He pulled back from the brief hug to finally lock eyes with Donghyuck. He decided to swallow his pride and frees and go with his gut, and summoned a romance movie again. Mark held Donghyuck’s face and gently kissed the spots filled with tears. Donghyuck’s expression went blank.

“This is what they do in the movies, right?” Mark said with a hint of smile. Donghyuck looked at him for a moment before breaking out a few laughs, wiping one of his eyes regardless.

“Mark Lee, you son of a bitch.” Mark wasn’t going to fight that, because he knew what he meant without saying it outright. Mark laughed with him, still holding his face. Then, without much thought, he leaned in for a kiss. Donghyuck’s tension eased and he breathed with the kiss, instantly going to grab Mark’s sides, scrunching up his shirt, showing bits of his stomach. They let go, the sound being too much like movie foley, and laughed again.

“I dunno. Let’s try this,” Mark suggested. “I never wanna see you cry again, you hear me?” He sniffled again, smile on his face, and nodded.

“Alright, alright.”

“No, promise me!” Mark shook him by his shoulders to make him laugh a little more.

“I promise!”

  
  
  
  


Donghyuck held his head in his hands, elbows propping himself up as his body shook with sobs. Mark cringed at every sound.

“Stop that! You promised me!”

“How can I keep that when you’re the one making me cry?!” Donghyuck screamed in the most pained voice Mark had ever heard from anyone. He continued to hide his own pain with anger, rushing to Donghyuck.

“I couldn’t keep lying to you, what more do you want from me?” he screamed back. He was glad they weren’t in dorms anymore.

“To lie to me!” Donghyuck raised his face and the sight broke Mark entirely. “Haven’t you ever heard that ignorance is bliss?” He didn’t know how to reply, so he glared at him without any real malice behind it. Then he grabbed his jacket and headed to the door. “No, Mark, please! Don’t leave me.” Mark stopped at the door and didn’t turn around.

“You can keep the apartment. I’ll move in with Renjun until I can get my own place.” The door slamming was the emptiest sound for miles.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoinks here we go thnx for waiting y’all dont count on consistent updates :’)

Mark woke up with the strangest feeling. It had been five years since they broke up, and he truly thought they would never meet again. What were the chances they both decided to get coffee at the same place at the same time?

Seeing him in line made his heart stop. That infamous panicking feeling came back. But, he still lingered for him. There was no way he would’ve just let him go. All he did was invite him back to his house for tea instead of coffee and suddenly their lives intertwined again.

He did his morning routine just to grasp at something familiar. This is the one sense of consistency he had right now and he was going to take it with both his fists. As his hair was drying and his toast was cooking, he opened his laptop to check his YouTube account. He had just recently hit the 100,000 subscriber count and felt accomplished. His last music video (posted about two months ago), had finally reached a million views. He smiled, just to be startled by his toaster popping. He had worked so hard on that song and invested a lot of time and money on the video, so the number was very rewarding. However, before going to eat his tiny breakfast, he had an idea. He chewed his lip in thought, contemplating whether or not it was worth it, and decided to go ahead anyway.

The official  _ Haechan _ channel was peaking at around two million subscribers. His most recent video (one month ago) already had eighteen million views. Mark clicked on it but didn’t focus much at the visuals. He wondered what would’ve happened if he had just sucked it up and debuted in that company. The treatment was far too shitty to tolerate it any longer, but apparently not for “Haechan.” That made Mark worry. Maybe now that he’s making money for the company, they’re a little nicer to him. Regardless, Mark just did what he was best at and got himself feeling down again. He put the laptop down and went to eat his toast.

He stared at his blank phone on the countertop, crunching away and making a mess. He turned the screen on and saw a picture of Yoorim and himself. They’re both smiling and standing in front of some graffiti they saw walking around with their friends. Johnny took the picture and cracked some stupid joke to make their smiles look natural. Yoorim really was gorgeous. She’s wearing a grey trench coat over her striped shirt and plain skirt. Her short black hair was a bit messy from the wind but her smile was so wide, so beautiful. She was giggling and hugged Mark after the picture, and they kept their arms around each other as they continued walking after that. Mark did like her… right?

He picked his phone up and dialed a number.

“Yoorim-ah, hey. How are you? … Good, good. Do you wanna go out today?”

  
  
  
  


She’s so cheerful. She pointed out an album with a goofy name and laughed about it to Mark, who laughed with her. She then spotted a seating area that was littered with stuffed animals and ran over excitedly, squeezing one when she sat on the couch. Mark smiled at her. Why does he feel guilty?

“You’re like a child, you know that?” He sat next to her and she giggled, nodding in agreement. Mark leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

“Nuh-uh,” she said, turning to face him with her lips puckered. Mark was reminded of something, but he couldn’t remember. He squished her cheeks and pecked her lips once, making her all the more giggly.

“You seem to be in a good mood today,” he pointed out. She shrugged, laying back on Mark’s shoulder who put his arm around her, still clutching the stuffed bear.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages and I miss you.” Mark thought of Donghyuck. Why? He brushed hair from her face.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. It hasn’t been that long, has it?”

“I guess not. I just wish I saw you more.” She closed her eyes and snuggled against him. Mark felt a lot of eyes on them. “Can I just sleep here?”

“No, silly.” He pinched her cheek lightly. “We can nap at my place though, if you really want.” She groaned and clutched her chest.

“You really know what girls want.”

So that’s what they did. They left the bookstore without having spent any attention on the books (Mark did buy her that stuffed toy, though). When she arrived in the bedroom she knew too well, she removed her shirt and pants, leaving herself in her underwear to feel more comfortable. Mark couldn’t help but feel shy looking at her, as if he hadn’t seen her like this (and more) a dozen times before. She posed for him comically.

“Like what ya see, lover boy?” She couldn’t take herself seriously and laughed at herself before crawling under his sheets and humming. Mark began undressing himself as well. “You have the nicest bed ever.”

He laid next to her, bringing her into his arms. Their warm bodies fit well together. She smiled at him and he smiled back. Yoorim looked at his lips for only a moment before going in to steal a kiss she wouldn’t dare to ask for in public. Mark returned it, his hands sliding from her waist to her hips until just a few fingers were beneath the thin waistband of her underwear. He knew she liked that. Was he doing this for himself? Or for her? She moved one of her legs to wrap around him. In response, he gently pushed her on her back and dragged his hand down to the thigh she held around him, bringing her garment down with him. He was on autopilot. What felt so off? In synchronicity, she pressed her tongue against his while linking her hands behind his neck. He removed his hand from her thigh to use both them to unhook her bra; he was never good at doing it one-handed. When he succeeded, she boosted herself momentarily to pull the whole thing off, returning her hands to their previous position after tossing it away. Mark was beginning to feel overwhelmed for some reason. But he knew if he tried to stop, it would make him look suspicious. But, suspicious of what?

“Aren’t we supposed to be sleeping?” he said in attempt to try to ease his own nerves. She smiled.

“But this is more fun.” The first thing in Mark’s head was  _ I beg to differ _ , but he definitely couldn’t say that out loud. He just needed to roll with this.

Some moans, groans, one condom and one orgasm later, they laid there again. Mark felt dirty, not the usual kind either. She was breathing heavier than he was, running a hand through her hair to fix herself up. Mark was looking at the ceiling, only breathing like he went for a light jog. She moved her way over to him, laying her head on his chest.

“Okay, now we can sleep.”

What the hell is wrong with him?

  
  
  
  


“Yeah, it’s called being gay,” Johnny said passively, reaching over for Taeyong’s glass instead of his own. Mark squinted at him and Doyoung rolled his eyes. “I’m surprised you could even get hard by the way you’re talking about it.”

“Do you have a filter? Just wondering,” Doyoung asked. Lucas thought it was funny because of course he did. Taeyong shook his head.

“ _ Anyway _ . Didn’t you say you just ran into Donghyuck again?” Everyone collectively  _ oh’d _ at that. Yet Mark was still in denial.

“Yeah? So?” They all looked at each other. Lucas smacked his head. “Ow? What the fuck?”

“You obviously still have feelings for him, dumbass.” Mark rubbed the wound and tried to understand that. “I’m sure seeing him again brought back all those feelings back from when we all trained together and y’all were fucking every other night.” Lucas was the next to get hit, except it’s Mark foot to his shin underneath the table.

“We were  _ not _ .” But he sighed, aware of all the eyes on him and took another sip of his whiskey. He wasn’t really a drinker except for when he’s stressed and maybe at a party. So the fact that he gathered his friends at a bar might symbolize something. “I dunno. I don’t think I do. I mean, I don’t know.” Another sigh, another drink. “I mean like. I love Yoorim. She’s so fucking sweet and fun and lovable and, and I really do like her.”

“But?” Johnny said in expectation, leaning closer beside him. Mark frowned.

“I don’t know.” There was a collective sigh this time.

“I love you man, but dealing with your emotional instability stresses me out. Hyung, scoot over so I can go sleep with that piece of work over there.” Doyoung gave him a solid death glare before moving out from the booth, muttering loud enough for everyone to hear.

“I really wish we weren’t friends with you.” Lucas didn’t hear him or just didn’t care and went off to harass some nice men. “Why are we friends with him?”

“Shut it, he’s fine. Not the topic right now,” Taeyong said, finally being able to get comfortable in his seat. “Mark, seriously, I think you need to think about your feelings towards Donghyuck. I know you’re gonna say that there’s nothing going on, but don’t try to prove it to us. I think you need some time to think alone.”

“And until then, you should stay away from both him and Yoorim. It’s for the better, trust me,” Doyoung adds in to the approval of Taeyong and Johnny. Mark frowns again.

“Okay, fine. You guys are right like always.” His hyungs smiled proudly, Taeyong reaching over the ruffle his hair, with a soft  _ love you _ under his breath. Mark’s really glad he kept in touch with these guys after leaving the company. They’re all in a group now so they see each other everyday, so it’s really, really nice when he can be with them. He finished his glass of whiskey and set the glass down with a groan. Johnny rubbed his back.

“You’ll figure this out. I promise.”

  
  
  
  


Mark didn’t listen their advice entirely. There’s no way he could avoid them. He took Yoorim out to lunch the next day and later that night, he asked Donghyuck out to dinner. He truly didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. His mind was telling him he needed to be with Yoorim, but another part of him told him to try to reconnect with Donghyuck, why not? They don’t have to date again or anything. They were the best of friends before they broke up, why throw that away?

It wasn’t anything fancy. It was a cheapy restaurant with a casual atmosphere. He didn’t want to give off the impression that this was a date or anything. Because it’s not.

“How are things? It’s been, what, a week since we met last?” Mark started, after having ordered. Donghyuck shrugged.

“They’ve been okay. I had some performances and a fanmeet so it was a little tiring, but I still had a good time.” They had to meet later at night with Donghyuck in inconspicuous clothing with a face mask to avoid attention. Donghyuck said he wasn’t afraid of someone taking pictures of him anyway. “How about you? Things been good with your girl?”

Why'd he have to bring her up? What does it matter?

“Oh, they’ve been good. We've been chilling, is all. I met up with Taeyong, Johnny, Doyoung, and Lucas, too.” Donghyuck’s face lit up.

“Awesome! They’re really doing well in their group, I don’t get to see them very often.” Mark nodded in agreement. The waitress brought over the food and they both thanked her politely.

“They drive me crazy, I have no idea how anyone at the company manages them.” They shared a laugh for the first time in who knows how long. Mark was really grateful this meetup was significantly less awkward than the last. His phone buzzed but he didn’t bother with it.

Maybe he spoke too soon. A silence fell over them and they could only hear the hustle and bustle of the restaurant. Sure, they were also eating, but it's really strange with your ex-lover. The silence continues until Mark’s phone buzzes again, and again, and again, until he picks it up. He apologized to Donghyuck and went outside to answer the call. It was Johnny. Is everything alright?

“Dude, are you fucking kidding me?” Okay, maybe not. He sounded pissed.

“What?”

“We  _ specifically  _ told you  _ yesterday _ to stay away from Donghyuck!” Mark was overwhelmed with confused and a tiny bit of fear.

“Wh- Huh? Where are you?”

“Don’t change the subject! I saw you guys eating together, what are you doing? You’re supposed to figure shit out first!”

“Well, fuck dude, maybe I did already!”

“Oh yeah, did you?” Mark was silent. He did not. “Uh huh. Exactly.”

“Whatever, I can do what I want, I’m a grown man now.” Johnny tried to get in his last words but Mark hung up on his ass. Sure, he was trying to look out for him, but fuck him, Mark can do whatever he wants. He practically stormed back in and headed to their both where Donghyuck was shamelessly slurping his noodles.

“Hey. Let’s get out of here.” The words slipped out and Donghyuck stared at him surprised, cheeks full and all.

“Huh?”

“I dunno. I’ll pay and we can like, go to the club.” Donghyuck chuckled before swallowing his food.

“Mark Lee wants to go to the club?” Mark rolled his eyes and started pulling money out of his wallet, probably much more than the actual bill.

“Yeah, why not?”

“Alright, alright,” Donghyuck replied, standing up and dragging his jacket along. “But I’m picking the place.”

  
  
  


He explained that his company would kick his ass if he was spotted a club (his recognizability was strong; even the taxi driver was stunned), so he went to a club that was made for celebrities only, rather exclusively too.

“He’s with me, don’t worry,” Donghyuck said when the bouncer looked him over. Mark knew he wasn’t nearly as famous as  _ Haechan,  _ but it still stung a bit.

The place was literally booming. Mark remembered why he didn’t like clubs and wondered why the fuck he wanted to come here. It was loud and dark and full of a variety of celebrities. He saw actors, idols, well-known producers. There was a chunk of people he didn’t recognize and wonder why they got to be here and he didn’t, but maybe he shouldn’t be doing that. They sat at the bar and Donghyuck smoothly ordered drinks for them.

“You remembered?” Mark asked, trying not to sound too impressed. Donghyuck threw a smile and wink at him.

“Of course I do.” What a dweeb. But, still. It was nice he remembered Mark’s drink. Then again, Mark hated pretty much every kind of alcohol so it probably wouldn’t have been hard to guess anyway.

Their drinks were served and they started chatting away. It seemed that each progressive time they were together, things got easier. They were talking almost like the old days, despite the loud music and bumbling patrons around them. Mark found the time passing strangely quicker with each additional drink.

“Thought you weren’t a drinker,” Donghyuck said after who knows how long. “Did the struggles of adulthood get to you?” It was meant to be a joke but damn it felt real. Mark groaned and hid his head arms over the bar top.

“You got it. Shit sucks.” Donghyuck patted his back.

“What’s on your mind?”

“I think,” he started, pausing for no reason. “I’m a shitty boyfriend.”

“I can recall from personal experience that is entirely untrue.” Mark felt his heart jump. Not from excitement, though. It was more fearful.

“That’s exactly why,” he muttered. Donghyuck still heard him.

“What do you mean?” Mark pulled his head back up, feeling like he was dragging it through Jello just to have it pulse from the sudden movement.

“I mean,” he started, taking time to let the pain phase out. “I’ve been spending so much time with you lately. Not just with you, but thinking and talking about you too. Everyone keeps sayin’ that I still have feelings for you but I don’t.” Another pause. “At least I don’t think so.”

Donghyuck simply blinked. “Oh.”

“Can I go home now?” he continued casually, too drunk to give a shit or even understand what he just said. Donghyuck just gave him a weird look of  _ what’s wrong with you _ and chuckled.

“You’re the one who suggested we-“

“Bitch about it later, take me home, oppa.” Mark didn’t laugh but Donghyuck sure did.

“We’re gonna pretend you never said that, let’s go.” He leaves some money down for their tab and waves to the bartender to signify their departure, tugging Mark along.

“Why? O _ ppa _ . O _ -ppa _ ,” he continued, popping the last syllable. Donghyuck tried to keep his cool while summoning a Lyft.

“People are gonna think you’re insane, Mark Lee.”

“Ooo- _ ppa! _ ” He giggled; he liked that one.

They stood outside as Mark kept rambling off utter nonsense while Donghyuck put his jacket on for him. It was a bit chilly and quite frankly Donghyuck didn’t wanna have to carry Mark’s jacket anyway.

“Look, I get I’m drunk and everything, but it’s a serious real question. Who made words like that?”

“I dunno, hon,” Donghyuck would reply passively, like a mother to her child.

Mark was, however, silent in the car. He was becoming his usual spacey-sleepy drunken self instead of whatever the hell that was. He rested his head on Donghyuck’s shoulder who didn’t flinch. In fact, he felt quite natural, mutually. No one said anything for the whole ride home while 60’s love songs played on the radio.

Bringing Mark upstairs wasn’t as pleasant. He stumbled over his own feet every other second before insisting that he is indeed fine. He also couldn’t hold himself up very well unless Donghyuck held him steady constantly.

“Oof,” Mark said rather clearly when Donghyuck set him in his bed. “I’m Cinderellaaa,” he said, when Donghyuck took off his shoes for him. He also took the liberty of removing his jacket, but when it came to anything else, he had to refrain himself. Mark looked at him.

“I’m not undressing you anymore.”

“Fine.” He almost sounded upset as he stuck his legs underneath the comforter. Donghyuck sighed and shook his head.

“Goodni-”

“Do you remember,” Mark started, sitting up in bed and stopping Donghyuck in his tracks. “That night we snuck out of the dorms and went to the arcade, and I kicked your ass in DDR?” Donghyuck’s heart had been hurting from being around his vulnerable state so much, but he couldn’t help but chuckle as he recounted the memory.

“You mean the time I let you win so you’d feel good about yourself?” Mark’s face scrunched up and Donghyuck laughed again, sitting near him on the bed.

“Not true.”

“Uh huh.” Mark pouted. “Or how about when Jaemin had English exam and talked in that stupid American accent for a week to prepare?” They both giggled at that. It was a really bad accent and he still failed his exam.

“Sometimes I wish I never left that company,” Mark said, surprising Donghyuck with the thoughtfulness of his comment despite his current level of sobriety.

“Me too,” he answered after a second. Mark just looked at him again. “But in all honesty, it’s probably better you did. Shit’s rough as hell.”

Mark leaned for kiss, almost too quickly for Donghyuck to process, but he turned his head away at the very last second. Mark’s lips were snug against the corner of Donghyuck’s mouth. He slowly pulled back and Donghyuck looked him in the eyes.

“Mark,” he said sharply.

“I know.”

“Then don’t.”

Mark stared at him. His cheeks were bright red and his eyes were droopy and he really just needed some sleep.

“Sleep next to me. Please.” Donghyuck was already disapproving the idea, but… “I don’t want to sleep alone tonight.”

He had a hard time telling Mark Lee “no.”

  
  
  


Donghyuck woke up feeling like he was the one with the hangover, not big-idiot-Canada over here. The sounds of Mark groaning had woken him up.

“Shut up.”

Mark groaned louder. He opened his eyes and turned toward the sound of the voice and seemed very shocked to see Donghyuck next to him, but he was also too hungover to have much of a reaction.

“Why are you in my bed,” he asked flatly with wide eyes.

“You asked me to sleep here.” Pause. Wait.

“Oh. Right.” Donghyuck just rolled his eyes and snuggled back into the mattress. He didn't care if he shouldn’t be here, he’s comfortable and sleepy. “Um. Did you sleep alright?”

“Yeah. Did you?” He nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

Donghyuck, quite bravely, reached over and cupped Mark’s cheek after brushing some hair from his eyes. The words he had been dying to say ever since he ran into Mark days ago were hanging on his lips, dancing on his tongue, trying to pry their way out, but he couldn’t. He can’t. So he just kept looking at him at instead. The warmth of his cheek in his palm was all too familiar yet far too distant.

“You’re gonna get in trouble one of these days if you kept hanging around me, you know.” Mark looked off and sighed.

“Yeah. I know.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop it’s my fave chapter let’s go
> 
> real talk y’all? i’m at a huge writer’s block and i’m trying real hard to break it down, so plz have patience with me! i’m gonna do my best to finish these two’s tragic story. thank you for all the support, it really helps my block!! 💕💕

They didn’t talk again for a week after that. Even when they did, it was still kind of against Mark’s will.

Running into Donghyuck again didn’t just bring back all the memories of their relationship, but it also brought back memories of the group he was supposed to debut with. The now three-person group, titled Dream, were some of Mark’s closest friends, even the other members who left after debut. They made a group chat years and years ago and despite the dust gathering on it, it’s still there. He believed they made a separate chat for the five of them, which he didn’t mind. He sent a message to it (titled “dreamy boyz”) and decided to gather them all again; he missed them. However, Donghyuck was also in that group, which Mark kind of forgot until it was too late. So now, they’re all in his living room, exchanging stories, and getting drunk.

“Y’all still suck for leaving,” Jisung said with a sip of his drink, just barely legal. Jaemin stuck his tongue out and snuggled against Jeno in defiance. Jeno pinched his cheek and smiled shyly. Mark always looked at them and thought,  _ wow, opposites really  _ do _ attract. _

“It’s called love, kiddo, you’ll learn someday.”

“I think it’s fair,” Renjun added. “Dating as idols is hard enough as it is. Nonetheless being gay  _ and _ in the same group?”

“I wish we could tell our fans. They’d lose their goddamn  _ minds. _ ” Chenle already had rosy cheeks despite one (1) drink. Jisung, the bullying maknae, always teased him for his poor drinking skills.

Jeno was squashed into the corner of Mark’s sectional by his clingy boyfriend. Next to them was Chenle and Renjun, Jisung sitting in his own separate chair. Mark and Donghyuck sat together on the other half of the couch, not too close or too far. They hadn’t exchanged many words beside “hello.” It was–surprise–super awkward. Mark wondered if the others could tell, or if they even knew what had been going on recently.

Some conversations, laughs, and bottles later, Jaemin suggested they play a game. Pretty much everyone opposed, but they went along with it anyway.

“Fine, you first then. Truth or dare?” Jaemin seemed very pleased to play his high school level game.

“Dare, I ain’t no pussy.”

“Please, never say that again,” Renjun pleaded. Before anyone else could say anything, Chenle blurted out:

“Kiss someone who’s not Jeno.” Though they were protesting the game, everyone had an uproar over that, leaving Chenle with a proud shit-eating grin. Jeno glared at him before repeating the word  _ no _ over and over. Meanwhile, Jaemin was surveying the audience to find a victim.

His eyes met Donghyuck’s, who winked at him.

Jaemin really was the devil.

Mark watched as Jaemin and Donghyuck leaned over and locked lips. His friends were screaming but he could only hear the ringing in his ears. They snuck in a few extra kisses and firmly held each other before Jeno pulled them apart. Mark was having a hard time processing it.

“Watch your back, Lee Donghyuck,” Jeno said before turning to a smiling Jaemin. “You’re next.” Jaemin leaned in for a kiss from Jeno, ultimately getting denied. “No, I don’t want your nasty Haechan germs.” Chenle was still very proud of the chaos he caused, making the game instantly go from zero to hundred. He was probably going to die first. Donghyuck sat back in his seat and turned to look at Mark; Mark didn’t look back at him.

“Aaalright, now that Chenle has ruined a relationship, should we move on?”

The next to go was Jisung, given a “truth” by Renjun. His question was about whether or not he was a virgin. He took a shot instead of answering.

“We all know you are,” Jeno said over Chenle’s hysterical laughter. Jisung glared and Renjun patted his back, which he shook off.

“ _ You _ did this,” he hissed with malice. Renjun smiles innocently.

Every subsequent question caused some level of discomfort to one or the other. Renjun had to text the girl he liked and ask to exchange revealing pictures with her (which she weirdly enough agreed to, causing way more chaos than necessary), Chenle had to chug a bottle of the strongest alcohol they could find, Jeno had to tell them the size of his you-know-what which Jaemin exposed him for lying about, and Donghyuck scream-sang a ballad on Mark’s balcony. Just another day with the dreamies.

“Mark, you’re next,” Chenle said like a movie villain. Mark was kind of hoping he’d get away with it.

“Ah, shit. Truth.” Jaemin cupped his hands around his mouth and bellowed “ _ pussy! _ ” Renjun threw a crumpled up napkin at him. The crew thought this one over for a good while. Mark wasn’t a very open person, so there’s a lot they could ask about him. But they had to think of something really good. And boy, did they.

“Do you still have feelings for Donghyuck?”

That was so bad (or good, depending on your perspective), the peanut gallery reacted quietly instead of their loud outbursts, like they weren’t supposed to say anything. This might’ve been the most anticipated question or dare of the evening. Mark shifted in his seat and thought. This apparently had been the question everyone had on their mind. Why did he have to think about it? Shouldn’t the answer be an easy and instant no? To be completely honest, he hadn’t thought much of Yoorim recently. They’d exchange texts regularly, but he spent more time thinking about Donghyuck, and he felt absolutely disgusting for it. Everyone was staring at him but Donghyuck’s eyes burned significantly worse. How was he supposed to answer this, anyway? If he said yes, he’d be an unfaithful boyfriend. If he said no, he might hurt Donghyuck. And there’s no way he’d want to hurt Donghyuck again.

Mark reached for a bottle and poured himself a shot.

“Holy shit,” Jaemin gasped with a hint of a laugh. The group stirred as the alcohol hit his tongue and burned its way down his throat. Donghyuck was still staring. “Mark willingly drank alcohol ‘cause of that.”

“Donghyuck?” ventured Chenle.

“What?”

“How about you?” The focus shifted for a second on him.

Donghyuck took a shot for himself and the room resonated like a sports game. Mark hadn’t felt more uncomfortable next to him than he does now in years.

_ “Welp.” _ Jeno stood up and stretched. “I think it’s about time we head out.” Jaemin followed suit as they started a chain reaction. Jisung and Chenle got up to leave and Donghyuck left without another word. Mark was left with Renjun who smiled at him sympathetically.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, leaving the mess on his table and going to his room (casually nursing a headache). Renjun followed after him.

“You need to, hyuuung,” he singsang, kicking his foot in the doorway as Mark tried to close it on him. The hyung fell face first on his bed and stayed motionless.

“Shoo, fairy godmother, I don’t wanna go to the ball.” His words were muffled from his pillow. Renjun, completely ignoring him, sat on his ass.

“No, Cindy, you need to come to terms with all this shit you’re dealing with. You’re just gonna end up hurting people and yourself. I’ll kill you if you hurt Yoorim. Or Donghyuck. Or you.”

“In that case, I’ll just hurt myself to get this whole fucking thing taken care of.” Renjun wound up his wrist and smacked Mark right between his shoulder blades.  _ “OW, _ fuck off.”

“I love you.” Mark huffed.

“I love you too.”

  
  
  


It’s the next day (night?), it’s one in the morning, and Mark was completely wasted. He sat on his couch, surrounded by empty bottles, listened to the music from his speakers, and thought about how pathetic he was. He was never a drinker. What happened to him? He felt like a piece of shit, that’s what. He couldn’t stop thinking about the party all goddamn day, from when he buttered his toast to when he cleaned off his dinner plate. Nothing felt right and he had no idea who he was anymore. Up on his phone was his messages from Yoorim. The last thing she said was “Goodnight baby, I love you!” Mark wanted to throw up reading that. He didn’t deserve that kind of affection from her. He’s disgusting and he deserved to be thrown out like garbage.

He thought about the dream he had last night, fueled by confusion, frustrated, and a little bit of alcohol. It took place back when he was a trainee, and he and Donghyuck were laying on his bed and they were holding each other. They were talking about why they loved each other, even if Mark couldn’t quite remember exactly what they were saying. They kissed and kissed and Mark woke up feeling so dirty, so disturbed. He should be erased from his planet.

So reasonably, his next plan is to text Donghyuck.

 

_ hey _

_ 1:27 a.m. _

 

_ are you awake? _

_ 1:27 a.m. _

 

_ i wanna come over _

_ 1:27 a.m. _

 

_ we need to talk _

_ 1:27 a.m. _

 

Mark dropped his phone next to him. What the fuck is he doing. He knew this was a mistake, everything in him was screaming at him to stop but couldn’t, he didn’t want to. Besides, it’s too late now.

 

_ why are you up? i was sleeping _

_ 1:28 a.m. _

 

_ but um. sure. here’s my address: _

_ 1:28 a.m. _

 

He stared at the address on screen for an entire minute. What was he doing? Why now? What’s wrong with him?

He called a Lyft (he was barely sober enough to walk, God forbid drive) and stumbled his way out to it. The whole ride over a voice in his mind kept saying,  _ this is a mistake, stop, you’re going to ruin everything, stop, stop, stop, you fucking idiot. _ But he didn’t. He nearly passed out in the car but he didn’t. He almost threw up while buzzing Donghyuck’s room, but he didn’t.

“Jesus Christ.”

Donghyuck, adorned in a t-shirt, boxers, a robe, and slippers opened the door and let Mark in. He had to be guided to sit on Donghyuck’s couch.

“Nice place.”

“Why are you here, Mark?” Donghyuck sounded so desperate, so heartbroken, so… tired. They shared the couch and Mark really leaned into it. Staring at the ceiling.

“I think. I need to break up with Yoorim.” Donghyuck’s breath hitched. If he wasn’t awake before, he surely was then.

“Why?” Mark chuckled, bitterly. Self-loathingly. He didn’t exactly know why, or how to put it into words. So he simply said:

“Things just aren’t working out.”

Then Donghyuck scoffed, bitterly. Rolled his eyes, shook his head. “That’s always the excuse, isn’t it.”

“What?” He sat upright and turned his head to look at a pissed off Donghyuck.

“That’s exactly what the fuck you told me when you dumped me. What’s the truth, Mark? What are you lying about?”

“I’m not lying-”

“You are, you aren’t telling the full truth and you just, you hurt people.” Ouch. “What is it really? What’s the real goddamn reason why you need to leave a perfectly good girl? Don’t you dare make another excuse because I won’t–”

Carefully yet absentmindedly, Mark darted forward to press his lips against Donghyuck’s, hard. He froze, then Mark could feel every muscle in his body loosen. Mark tilted his head, fingers guiding Donghyuck under his chin, and kissed him, kissed him good, the way he deserved it. He kissed him hard enough, well enough, sweet enough to make up for all the years they lost. Donghyuck’s hands took ahold of Mark’s face as Mark brought him in as close as he could get. Their bodies were rubbing together and they were becoming one. And goddamnit, Mark missed the feeling of Donghyuck’s tongue in his mouth like it was cocaine. It’s terrible how much he realized in that moment that he needed this, he needed  _ him _ , he needed to be with him in every way possible, good or bad.

Mark soon found himself laying on his back with a famous singer on top of him, grinding his hips and getting rather handsy. It would be impossible for him to pretend like he wasn’t melting underneath him, so he let out every sound of pleasure that he so desired. To assure Donghyuck that he was truly enjoying himself, Mark grasped his thigh tightly and began tugging at strands of his hair, gaining another satisfied response. These were the two things Mark remembered would absolutely make him crazy, so he’s taking advantage of that.

It’s not long before the made their way onto Donghyuck’s bed, having shed his robe and Mark’s jacket somewhere along the way. They’re about to throw out their shirts out as well when Donghyuck suddenly pulled away.

“Wait,” he breathed as best as he could. “You’re like, super drunk. I can’t, we aren’t going to… do anything.”

“I don’t care. I just want to be with you, Donghyuck.” Mark had abandoned his filter with his third drink and neither of them seemed to mind.

“Oh, fuck you, Mark. Just, goddamn you. I missed you so fucking much.”

With that, the rest of the night faded away.

  
  
  


Mark had been waking up hungover a lot recently, more in the past weeks than his whole life. This was probably the worst and best feeling one.

“Hello.” Even the word was smiling. Donghyuck leaned in for a soft, domestic kiss. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m, okay I guess. My head hurts a little but I’ll be fine.” Donghyuck gently grabbed Mark’s face and leaned over to press a kiss on his forehead.

“Better?”

“No, but thanks for the effort.” Mark smiled warmly and gave him one more kiss before sitting up to ease into fully waking up.

“Hey, uh, Mark?” Donghyuck propped himself up on his elbows casually as hyung looked down at him. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“When did you start drinking so much?”

Mark sighed, mostly from disappointment in himself. He had realized it became a problem but was too scared to admit it. Hearing it from someone else, Donghyuck especially, made it sink in, deep into his gut. “I don’t know. Around the time we met again?”

Donghyuck frowned. “Is it my fault?”

“God, no, Hyuck. None of this is your fault, this is– All this fucked up shit is because of me.” Donghyuck sat up, wrapping an arm around Mark’s shoulder and pulling him in close, pressing a kiss to his head as well.

“I’m just, I worry. You never liked to drink much and now, every time I see you, you’re–”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he muttered with self deprecation. He found solace against Donghyuck’s bare chest, holding his waist and resting his cheek on his shoulder. The fit together so well, even better than Yoorim and him. “I’ll. I’ll start being more careful, okay? I don’t want you worrying about me.” Donghyuck nodded. “And… about, what happened?” Mark pulled away, rustling his hair while Donghyuck watches him expectantly. “I’ll  take care of it, too. Okay?” Donghyuck nodded again.

“Can I kiss you again, then?” he asked, hesitantly, quietly. Without any other notion, Mark leaned in and pressed their lips together, breathing him in, ignoring the nagging guilt at the back of his head. Donghyuck slid his way down to Mark’s neck.

“Aye, be careful,” he protested, making no efforts to stop him. He shut his eyes and focused only on the feeling of Donghyuck’s lips, tongue, and teeth on his skin. “If you leave a mark there, Yoorim will see.”

Donghyuck obeyed, pulling back and examining Mark’s body carefully. “Ah, here then.” He brought his head down dangerously close to an area he hasn’t seen in years, latching his lips onto Mark’s thigh, making him jump in surprise in the process.

“Wh-What–”

“You can just tell her you fell. It’s more believable here,” he said with his voice muffled. Mark’s cheeks grew warmer as he got voluntarily bruised. “Besides, who’d leave a hickey on a thigh?” Mark scoffed.

“Exactly my thoughts.”

Donghyuck finished begrudgingly, wanting to have covered his body in purple and blue if given the chance. His eyes met Mark’s reddened face, darting over every curve and slope before stealing one last kiss. A long one, a good one. A kiss that made him fill and empty all at the same time.

“I really should go now.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOP!  
> remember when i said don't count on consistent upldates? and that i had writer's block? both true!
> 
> but really im so sorry for the delay but i PROMISE y'all i won't abandon this story i'm so determined to finish it. i have the end of markhyuck's story most planned out and i will get there, even if it takes me a Year
> 
> also i recommend lots of chill pretty songs for dis chapter since they helped me write like. slow dancin in the dark, wish u were gay, fly away w me, etc.

_ “What?!” _

Mark flinched at the sheer force of their collective exclamation in the air. Other patrons of the coffee shop, including the baristas, stared at the three with a variety of looks, most of them unpleased. Mark’s hyungs chorused an apology.

“I will kill you right here and now, Mark Lee,” Johnny whispered, his words reeking of malice. Mark about shriveled up, sinking in his seat and cowering away. “And you’ll be thankful because I’ll be way more gentle than Yerim would be if she found out.”

That’s damn true. Yerim was quite the protective sister, and had been quoted saying she would kill a man for her siblings. Mark wouldn’t be surprised if that man was him.

“I’m planning on breaking up with her,” he answers quietly, almost more shameful to admit that than the fact he cheated on his sweet girlfriend.

“You better fucking be. Yoorim is too sweet for you to be–”

“Johnny, calm down,” Taeyong interrupted with a sigh.

“Calm down? Are you hearing this shit, dude?”

“Yes, but screaming at him isn’t gonna help anything.”

Mark felt like he was a high schooler who got in trouble and his parents were arguing about it in front of him. It didn’t make him feel any better.

“Mark,” Taeyong started again, in a much more relaxed tone that Johnny. “Yeah, you fucked up. But you know that already, otherwise you wouldn’t feel guilty. Don’t beat yourself up for it right now and just solve the problem and deal with the consequences, okay?” Johnny seemed kinda pissed at his positivity, but Mark certainty appreciated it.

“Yeah, okay… Yeah, I can do that.” Mark toyed with the lid of his coffee, making an irritating clicking noise. “But how do I solve this?”

“Own up to it,” Johnny said, firm. “Look Yoorim in the eyes and tell her exactly what you did.”

“And apologize.” Mark nodded. He hated being a mess for his friends to mop up. He hated being the bad guy. He hated himself and all the shit he started that was horribly unnecessary. But Taeyong was right. He can hate himself later. Right now, he needs to fix this.

“Okay.”

  
  
  


They seem to only be meeting at night time. They laid out in opposite directions on Donghyuck’s bed, heads next to each other, legs hanging off the edge, eyes up at the ceiling. There’s quiet, calming music playing from his laptop and a strange aura in the air. Mark groaned and threw his phone over Donghyuck and onto the floor.

“You okay, baby?”

“I’m the worst person to ever breathe.” Donghyuck frowned, reaching his hand over to run his fingers through Mark’s hair. “Yoorim wants to spend the night tonight.”

“What did you tell her?”

“That I’m out with an old friend and I don’t know when I’ll be home?” He looked at Donghyuck to see if that was an okay-enough thing to say.

“That’s technically not a lie.” Mark groaned again and covered his hands with his face. Donghyuck finally switched around to hug Mark properly, holding his head to his chest. “This’ll all work out, Mark, no matter what you decide to do. Meet with her tonight and tell her everything. It’ll help, I promise."

“I’m scared,” he muttered against his fleece sweatshirt, holding onto him for dear life.

“You have to. Not for me, but for her. She deserves it.”

They stayed like that for a few songs, Mark taking the time to settle his breathing. He’d been rather anxious recently, but Donghyuck was a great stress reliever.

“Let’s talk about something else, hm?” Mark tilted his head up to look at him for one, two seconds before reaching his hands behind Donghyuck’s head and kissed him square on the lips.

To be fair, they had only kissed once this night and Mark was still very deprived of him. His arms slid around his neck as Donghyuck gently pushed him over, half-laying on him as he kissed him over and over. Among many, there’s another nagging thought at the back of his head that all they ever do is makeout. Sure, that’s true, but so what? It’s been years since they’ve even met face to face and they miss each other. He’s not too worried about that yet. He’s got bigger things to worry about.

But for now, he peacefully left Donghyuck do whatever he wanted with him.

“I said talk,” Donghyuck mumbled against Mark’s lips, who laughed at his comment with a subtle  _ mm-hm _ and continued on with his business. But Donghyuck snuck his hands underneath the hem of Mark’s shirt deceptively before pinching his side. “Go talk to her, idiot.”

  
  
  


It was pretty late, but Yoorim didn’t mind. Mark was worried she wouldn’t get there safely, but she did, she was fine. He had been pacing around his apartment, resisting the incredibly strong urge to pop open a can or four of beer, Donghyuck’s concerned expression lingering his in mind.

But now he’s back on another bed, his own this time, little Yoorim placed firmly on his lap. Dread had woven itself into his muscles and beating heart, face warm with shame. She smiled at him with all the love in the world.

“I missed you so much, oppa. Where’ve you been?” she said, with a pout and a whine. Mark bit his lip, quickly preparing a clumsy lie in his head.

“I’ve been, busy. With work and such.”

Liar.

“What’s been going on with work?”

_ Shit. _ He didn’t prepare that far.

“Um,” he cleared his throat. “Just some, trouble with... writing new music and uh, you know, like, problems with my producer and stuff. Y’know, general things.” She nodded and squished his cheeks, forcing a smile out of him.

“I hope things work out, baby. I really missed you.”  _ Please,  _ stop  _ saying that.  _ If Mark thought he felt guilty before, seeing her face to face was definitely the absolute worst thing to ever happen. But he knew (along with the dozens of voices nagging at him) that he had to draw the line. Continuing an affair was one of the scummiest things Mark could imagine and he hated that he fit that description so well. He thought of the disappointment in his mother’s face if he were to admit this to her, the disapproving glare from his dad, the anger from his brother. He didn’t know if he could ever face his family again. Not to mention the trust issues he was to burden Yoorim with for who knows how long. Yerim will never talk to him ever again. He had to stop before things got even worse.

“Yoorim… There’s something I need to–”

“We can talk on the phone, oppa. You know what we can’t do through messenger?”

At first, Mark didn’t kiss back. He desperately needed to tell her this and tried his best, but then the guilt made itself present again and decided to roll with it. He felt like he owed this to her, like it was the least he could do for cheating on her. 

“Yoorim…” he repeated after a moment, pushing her back gently. She simply giggled and went straight back in. His feelings were contrasting and conflicting too much: If he had sex with her, then Donghyuck would be upset. If he didn’t, she would be, and maybe suspect something was up. Mark wasn’t necessarily the best liar. “I have to–”

“Don’t talk, oppa, just kiss me.” He sighed and did just that to make her happy. But again, only for a moment before those nasty feelings crept on him once more.

“Yoorim,” he said firmer this time, pushing away again.

“Just let me–” she tried to go back in.

“I’ve been–”

_ “I know!” _

Yoorim finally sat away from him, suddenly looking defeated and heartbroken. Oh God. Oh no.

“What?”

“I know you’ve been... seeing Donghyuck for a few weeks now.”

_ Oh _ . Mark was baffled at the specificity of her statement, not to mention she inferred exactly what he wanted to say.

“Wait… How?” She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear before hugging herself, looking anywhere besides Mark, and chuckled bitterly.

“I’m not stupid. You used to talk about him all the time. I know he was– _ is _ your first love and you guys were inseparable. When you became distant all a sudden, I knew something was up. Then, you kept ‘going out with friends,’ all the time. You never said any names. And I saw Donghyuck go into your apartment one night.”  _ Shit _ . They’d been so careful. Or so he thought. “But so were some of your other friends, so I tried not to think about it. But,” she sighed, looking down. “The instant you said you were with an ‘old friend’ so late tonight, I knew for sure. I didn’t wanna think you’d be the type to… do this, to me. To anyone.”

“I’m not, Yoorim.” It felt like a lie. He shifted closer to her, reaching for her hands. “I swear I’m not, I– We’ve been– Hyuck, Donghyuck and I have only been, um. ‘Seeing each other’ again for a few days, I promise. I hate myself as much as you should for doing this.”

“I don’t hate you, silly. And… I know that but… I can tell you never really stopped loving him, Mark. I always knew, somewhere inside me. I mean, how could I compete with him?” She was really good at making Mark feel more and more like a piece of shit. Which isn’t at all her fault. “He’s lovely.”

“ _ You’re  _ lovely, and you just ended up with a shitty excuse for a boyfriend.” She looked at him, smiled, eyes rather sad.

“I don’t wanna break up, Mark.”

He heard her, those words definitely were spoken. He just did not understand them at all.

“What?”

“You make me so happy. I don’t want this to end, please.”

What was he supposed to say to that? It was just another knot in their tangled web of lies, betrayal, and all things horrendous. Yoorim was too damn nice for this.

“Yoorim, you know I can’t-”

“I know. I know. You love him. And you wanna be with him. I can’t take that from you.” Her words came out a bit foggy, like she didn’t want to say it but it was genuine, she truly felt that way. She strongly believed in “if you love them, let them go.” She just never thought she’d had to.

“Goddammit, you making this easier is making this so much harder,” Mark groaned into his hands, headache growing stronger while Yoorim let out a soft laugh. “How can you be so understanding? Why are you so perfect? What am I doing to you?” And she laughed again, a sad kind of laugh, reaching over to sooth Mark with her hand combing through his hair.

“I love you, Mark. I always will. And I just, I want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me.” Her strong façade was cracking away ever so slightly, the quiver in her voice getting louder. Mark finally looked at her.

“I love you, too. And I always will.”

Yoorim excused herself after that, not being able to shake Mark from walking her out or to deflect his endless apologies. It’s true, her heart had completely shattered and she knew she was going to be sobbing for the next few days, but she refused to let Mark see her that way. She knew he felt guilty enough as it was. He’s truly a good person, and she knew that, deep down underneath the anger and jealousy and even hatred she felt. She knew her sister would question her but telling her was still up for debate. When it came to her and her other sisters, Yerim wasn’t the most level-headed. Who knows what she’d do?

  
  
  


Johnny, Taeyong, and Doyoung stood uniformly behind Johnny’s kitchen island, eyeing the sweet little boy Lucas dragged in. They discussed it and could vaguely recall that he was the boy from the bar however many weeks ago that was, the same boy Lucas called a “piece of work” and tried to pick up. From the looks of it, he was successful. But this boy looks too sweet, too good for scummy, fuckboy Lucas. He had a wildly soft voice, equally soft smile, and a very gentle presence overall.

“How the  _ fuck _ ,” Doyoung added thoughtfully. “ _ Why _ the fuck.” The other two simply shook their heads.

“You guys are idiots. Please get out of the kitchen, you’re in the way of everything.” Kun grumbled at them, and when they completely ignored him, he banged two pans together to get their attention (and the attention of the entire party, despite the loud ass music). “Go.” 

“This is  _ my _ apartment,” Johnny only muttered under his breath because he knew he couldn’t win even if he tried. The kids scuttled off, Taeyong covering his ears as they recovered. The couch was already full– as expected when you cram over twenty-some people into an apartment– so they continue their evaluation from against the wall. The sweet boy laughed his sweet boy laugh, shaking his head.

“Yukhei, you’re ridiculous,” he sing-sang.

_ “Yukhei?”  _ the three said in unison from pure shock. Lucas always demanded everyone call him his Western name for whatever reason. Probably made him feel better about himself, so it had been decades, no,  _ centuries _ since they’ve heard someone call him that. Just who is this kid?

While the hyungs stay enraptured by this as they clearly have nothing better to do, Mark and Donghyuck sat atop of Johnny’s gigantic bed. He practically forced them in his room but absolutely forbade them from banging. He felt they had things to work out, but little did he know things were already taken care of.

The room was somber. The booming music with vulgar lyrics didn’t sound like anything, seemingly blending in with the sounds of traffic from the streets below. Donghyuk fiddled with his hands silently and Mark took him in entirely. He had a schedule earlier with a fancy outfit that he hadn’t changed out of yet. His current album promotions had a princely concept, so he looked the role perfectly. He wore a frilly white shirt as his ornately decorated jacket hung up in the closet. His makeup was gorgeous: that dark, bold eye makeup that always looked stunning on him, a few touches of glitter here and there, and a tempting shade of red on his lips. He was inconceivably beautiful, more than usual, and just looking at him had Mark’s heart racing.

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck started carefully, eyes cast down. “This really is all my fault, I shouldn’t have–”

“No, stop. Why is everyone blaming themselves?” Mark sighed, running his hands over his face. His headache had been going strong since yesterday evening. “This is my fault and my fault alone. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yeah but–”

“But  _ nothing _ . If it wasn’t for that day at the coffee shop it would’ve been another, who knows when.” Mark cupped his cheeks in a moment of weakness and looked at him directly, right in those eyes he dreamed about. “It was always you, Donghyuck. You really are my first and last.”

Donghyuck practically lunged forward to kiss him, taking his hands away and linking theirs together. It was so soothing to hear that. He felt the same way, but was way too afraid to ever admit that. Mark wrapped his arms around Donghyuck’s neck and let him have his way with him. This was the first time they could kiss without feeling guilty. Yeah, Mark still felt guilty but at least…

“It’s all over now. It’s, it’ll still hurt for a while, but everything is done.”

Doyoung was left to stare at the couple alone. Johnny’s presence was requested to help figure out the oven and Taeyong was swept away by an “old friend” whom Doyoung didn’t recognize. Something ticked him off, seeing them joke and laugh and flirt so shamelessly. Almost like he was jealous, although he had nothing to be jealous over.

He watched them and watched them some more since he truly had nothing better to do, besides making rounds to the kitchen to snag more cookies and cheese cubes. Just as he was washing his snacks down with an alcohol he knew nothing of, Lucas suddenly got up and left, presumably to take a phone call (if him holding his phone to his ear meant anything). Doyoung got the overwhelming urge to take his place.

“Hi, I’m Doyoung, Lucas’s friend. I never got your name though.”

So he did.

Rather hastily and frantically as well. The boy looked at him and blinked as the cartoon dust caused by Doyoung practically running over faded away.

“Jungwoo, hi.”

“How do you know Lucas?” he said almost instantly after Jungwoo stopped speaking. He blinked again. Doyoung wanted to get to the bottom of this.

“Well, we met at a bar,” he started, taking his time unlike  _ someone.  _ “And, well. We hung out that night and just kept talking afterward.”

“Didn't hook up or anything?” Doyoung was starting to think he was drunk.

“I– Wow, that’s pretty straightforward for someone you just met.” But he didn’t seem offended, he laughed. His laugh was so cute. “No, we didn’t, not that it’s your business or anything.” Doyoung simply stared, his words finally catching up to him, and shook his head.

“I’m sorry, I’m just–” He scratched the back of his head underneath Jungwoo’s gaze. He’s still smiling. “I’m so bored at this party and, I’ve known Lucas for so long and I was wondering where you came in.”

“Ah, we’re just friends.”  _ Just friends. _ The phrase made Doyoung’s heart feel lighter. He didn’t know why. “How do you know Yuk– Uh, Lucas.”

“Right, you call him Yukhei. Don’t let him get away with that, you’re inflating his ego.” Jungwoo laughed at that. He seemed to understand. How couldn’t he? Anyone who spends a few minutes with Lucas would likely be needing an aspirin afterward.

“Yeah, that. He told me all his names when we met and told me to pick one, Yukhei was the easiest for me to say, so. That’s that.” Well that explains a lot. Of course Lucas would introduce himself as  _ Lucas, Yukhei, and also Xuxi _ to one person.

“Of course, Lucas is… quite the character. He hasn’t been giving you a hard time, has he?” Jungwoo shook his head.

“No, he’s been really sweet. Although he’s been very… I dunno how to say it, like. Blunt, I guess?” Doyoung nodded. He’s heard that a few times before. 

“I know exactly what you mean. He’s always been like that.”

“Oh, are you in his group?” He nodded again, almost painfully. “You must’ve known him for a while.”

“Think he was… Fourteen? Fifteen when I met him?” Jungwoo gasped, seeming fully invested in the conversation. Despite being the topic, Lucas was no where to be found. “Even still, he has yet to call me ‘hyung’ once.  _ Once _ .” He found that really funny, leaning back in his seat and throwing his head back. It was quite the sight. Doyoung felt something in his chest.

“Hey, sorry Jungwoo, that was– oh hey, Doyoung.” He gestured to Lucas and raised his eyebrows as if to say  _ see? _ Jungwoo laughed harder; Lucas seemed confused. “You two gettin’ acquainted?”

“Yeah, he’s sweet. How’d you end up tricking him into following you around?” Lucas rolled his eyes but smiled regardless. He was used to his elders teasing him constantly.

“I’m a good person, man!” he nearly yelled in English. “I can have good-person friends!” Doyoung made air quotes when he repeated “good person” under his breath. Jungwoo was still laughing. “ _ But,  _ I’m being summoned, so I have to book it. Can I trust you with him, Doyoung?”

“Trust  _ me? _ We both know that’s not the issue here.”

Lucas seemed in a hurry and decided not to argue anymore. He rolled his eyes again, waved to the both of them, and left the party. Doyoung turned back to Jungwoo, knowing that he had this boy all to himself for the rest of the night.

“Should I go get us something to drink?”

It took Mark a second to convince Donghyuck to leave the room. It almost felt like he was more guilt-ridden than the dirty cheater himself. After literally dragging him out of the room, it took Johnny 2.54 seconds to lock his eyes on them.

“Better?” he gasped, glancing at their hands that latched together seemingly without their knowledge. Mark smiled. They were.

Some friends must’ve overheard as a handful of people cheered for them, raising their red-cup chalices in their honor. Mark suddenly felt really shy and Donghyuck put up his front, acting as he looked and waving like a prince to the audience with his free hand. They trudged to the kitchen island where Johnny was stationed with Taeyong and Sicheng, Kun still fussing with the appliances.

“You guys are together again?” Johnny added, clarifying his earlier statement. Donghyuck nodded, throwing his arm around Mark’s shoulders as shy-baby-Lee hid his face from everyone. “Hell yeah! Wait, so that means–”

“They broke up,” Donghyuck spoke for Mark whom hid his head more. The others knew it was a touchy subject and quickly went back to celebrating their reunion.

The night continued like a normal party. Mark and Donghyuck stood and chattered with their friends for a long while. Hyuck kept a close eye on Mark to make sure he avoided any alcohol, which he did. Kun successfully fed the whole of them, collapsing on the couch afterward. Ten accidentally threw up off the balcony which a handful of them decided to never let him live down. Jaemin and Jeno tried to sneak into Johnny’s bedroom before getting caught. And eventually, people started filing out. It was almost two in the morning when Donghyuck and Mark finally left, Mark getting a tight, warm, heartfelt hug from Johnny.

“I’m proud of you for doing the right thing. And I knew it’d work out. I love you, kid.” Mark almost cried after hearing that.

Then that left a certain two still on Johnny’s couch, talking each other up with their inhibitions down.

“Y’all planning on staying the night or do I have to kick you out?” said the tired party host. Doyoung, wasted, sleepy, replied after a few seconds of processing what he said.

“Uh, yes. No, I mean, we’ll go, hyung.” Doyoung pushed up off the couch slowly, trying with every muscle in his body not to fall. He then helped pull up Jungwoo, the younger tripping and falling against Doyoung, almost knocking them both over. Doyoung hugged him and smiled. Johnny simply sighed.

“Just take an Uber and use protection.”

Doyoung was ever thankful for the elevator in this nice ass apartment. They stood alone as they steadily dropped six floors, Jungwoo with his arms around Doyoung’s waist, head on his (beating) chest, just minutes away from passing out. It was a wonderful feeling. Jungwoo had managed to slur out his address through a handful of giggles and Doyoung prayed he typed it in right. The car ride was nearly identical to the elevator ride. Jungwoo’s head on Doyoung’s shoulder, Doyoung’s head on Jungwoo’s. The two mumbled overlapping words of gratitude to the driver as they climb out of the car. Sober Doyoung would have to leave him a good review for being so chill. Jungwoo tried to excuse Doyoung from walking him upstairs, but he insisted that he would need help going upstairs.

(They both did.)

“Okay,  _ now _ I can thank you for walking me home.” Jungwoo said slowly with a smile on his face. “Or, walking me up? Taking me home. You, you helped, yeah.” Quiet laughter rang out under some flickering lights in front of his apartment door.

“Of course. Anything for you.” Doyoung grinned his famous smile, eyes closed, two thumbs up in front of him. Jungwoo tilted his head.

“Cute.” The word wasn’t heard clearly.

“Hm?”

“You, you’re. You’re all sleepy and, and sweet and cute. You're really cute, hyung.” Doyoung mimicked him, tilting his head in the same direction and they stared. Quiet. Peaceful. Happy.

Doyoung was the one to make the first move. It was chaste, lips on lips for just a few seconds. Doyoung felt a smile and was surprised it wasn’t just his own. He drew back, if you could even call it that– there couldn’t have been more than an inch between them, sleepy eyes open and trying to assess the situation through drunken lenses. Doyoung went back in differently, sliding his hand from Jungwoo’s cheek to the back of his head. He felt nervous fingers gently clasp at the hems of the jacket, steadying himself with his own hand on the small of Jungwoo’s back. It was fluid, smooth, cohesive, everything you’d want from a kiss. They stood there, kissing the life out of each other in a public hallway for a good while before Jungwoo tugged him inside his apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO UH sorry for adding a b plot i just Needed to, but i won't let them overtake the main plot. i hope this was worth da wait ,
> 
> pls hit me up on instagram im v active there! @noraeshua


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